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02:06am 26/05/2011
  I have been failing at this journal. Facebook updates and idea entries on my phone kinda took over. It's just so much to explain everything that happens here constantly. I'm not sure if I'll do better but I will try.

Life and things and stuff.

(4 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

I've been living Austin dreams.    
12:50pm 28/03/2011
mood: happy
Writing this entry from Amanda's computer in Austin.

This weekend has been interesting and beautiful in a lot of ways, some I expected, some I didn't, all productive. I am so so glad I came.

Had a super dramatic run through the airport and still managed to get in late Friday night and stayed at Amanda's after a nostalgic visit to Sonic's. The next day she took me to look at the city, and walkthrough downtown. Can't believe how community friendly and culturally diverse it is. We went to a friend of hers' house and spent part of the day drinking margaritas and sitting in the hot tub. Everybody was really different and intersting. I love the attitude and feeling of the people here. Of course Explosions is from Austin. We had authentic Mexican and later that night after some stuff I got the chance to drive around Austin for a bit by myself in the middle of the night.

The next day Daniel Rowe (known in the Stone Age as Twisted Silence <3) met up with me and took me to see Arcade UFO which was an awesome nerdy hot spot. We went to Alamo Drafthouse where they serve amazing food (had a Royale with Cheese! <3) and good beer while watching "Paul", from the guys who made Shawn of the Dead. Funny movie, great social commentary, really enjoyed it. It was great to watch it in a theater full of people with similar ideas and feelings about things. I was born to live in this place; it's a city full of eccentric, open people like me. After the movie, Daniel took me to see Red Fly studios, which is in the middle of downtown, on the 15th floor with an amazing view. We talked for almost 12 hours nonstop and I was so glad I got to spend that time with him.

I love this city. I really think I want to move here; I already thought that, but now for very different reasons. These days have been dreams come true in a lot of ways. I'm so sad I have to go back. I'll try to edit in a ton of pictures later and add some more thoughts. I just said bye to Daniel after an a lunch of Indian food and now Amanda and I are going to the park and the mall and such before my 5:45 flight.

In love with life today. Have some big decisions to make soon. So glad I've kept this journal. I'll try to be better to it. More to come.

(1 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Here you are, waiting for me as always. But not tonight.    
01:03am 23/02/2011
  Something that sums up the last month.


I’ve been having western dreams
And you should know how seamless seems;
My thoughts are floor routines on balance beams.
With me ever so unaware,
Before I had come to stop and stare,
The clock was the motif.
“The tick’s alive in our memory
The tock’s always our absentee.”

“I could not hear though I was listening,
Tell me again, where are we?”

A space station of the imagination to take a midnight train.
Within those snow stained windows, I held our reservations as interpreted by rain;
but this I cannot say.

I space a smile and then reply,
“We’re going where elation goes,
While knowing what vacations know.”
She turns and sighs to me, whispering her woes,
Missing everyone she knows.
I sit there and everywhere;

A pocket watch in hand
A pocket full of shifting sand:

Sunbeam soap suds
Calico rose buds, canvass ballets
And whole hearted, harp string plays.

I’ve been having Austin dreams
And you know how the seamless seems.
“Here all thoughts are free,
As Spring’s breeze in Winter’s melted leaves.
No rules of form, freedom from speech’s machinery.”

To the tune of tra-lala-lala-lala,
Her every note is Je ne sais quoi
In the sweet gradient of Au revoir
And Bonjour. Our time is short though Time is long, and in all our weary, it’s been this cabin car,
Unique from its twins among stars; in it I have been,
So ready just to say to you…somehow, I never do.

In this pocket watch twilight,
Four sockets awaiting farsight:

Sanguine hopes high,
Obscene argyle, eyelid luster
And holy star, winged clusters.

I’ve been having western dreams.
Oh Austin, how she sings to me,
And you should know how seamless seems;
My thoughts are sentient flings escaping me.

(Think for Yourself)

I can't hear with these clouds in my ears.   
11:04pm 26/01/2011
mood: thoughtful
My precious Livejournal, I am so sorry for abusing your trust. I keep telling you I am coming back to see you more and here I am, over a month later. I'll work backwards.

I came home to Wilson tonight to see my mom. We had already set up the date before I went to the ER on Monday but I'll get there. Dinner was asparagus, cube steak and cheese potatoes with sweet tea. My mom's cooking is godly. If you are reading this and you can have it often, appreciate every single moment of it. Free good food is not something you encounter enough. Company with your family in good health and happy is definitely not either. As I sit here, she's talking to me and ironing shirts and fixing a hem in my pants. No other person in the world is this good to me or loves me as much. My mom is wonderful.

I spent Monday was in the ER. I was having GI tract pain and sensitivity for several days prior until finally that day, my first day back at work after NET classes, I start exhibiting heart attack like symptoms; chest, neck and back pain, numbness in my left arm etc and then also a great deal of discomfort when drinking and eating anything. The urgent care of course sent me to the ER despite having guessed it early on. I sat in the waiting room of the ER for over 4 hours, most of which I spent either sleeping or reading A Clockwork Orange, with a short bit of eating food Matt brought me, who is a great friend. I was having esophageal spasms, which is great because it's not my heart, but still ultra uncomfortable. I'm on medicine now, which I'll have to take for a long while, but now I owe Rex hospital money and I'll have to schedule something with a specialist. More money and time I don't have.

Made changes in several of my relationships with people. Not easy, but necessary in the long run for everyone. Adult decision making is awesome.

Had a great trip with John, Cam and Codie weekend before last. Got some stuff figured out, first time having anytime alone, much less talking with a female of importance. First time playing drums like that either; so unbelievably fun. I want my drum set so damn bad. Too too much to say about this, as always.

I've been watching struggling so hard to watch an infinitely long list of movies, listen to so many albums, read so many books and practice several talents, on top of working and keeping up social stuff, I just feel exhausted. I need about twice as many waking hours as I have.

I read the Four Quartets today and it is like reading my thoughts about time, but more evolved and in depth and explored from so many angles. I cannot wait to read it again. Must write a bigger post about this.

Smash is still going well. I surprise myself so much. I love this game.

Random random random but I hung out with Stephanie again last Saturday after not having seen her in like 3 or 4 years. She is awesome and I have missed her. Technology saves the day again.

Today, I've had the pleasure of talking to Mike, Heather, Karen, Marie, and Mandy on the phone. I should be so lucky every day. I know some wonderful, brilliant people.

I promise to come back and finish this later. Current music is amazing.

(1 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

I need you to read this.    
03:10pm 25/12/2010
mood: Mood is doom backwards
Please listen to this song while you read this:

There just aren't really words for the way I feel most days anymore.

My ideas come in waves. My fascination with things and people and music and movies overwhelm me. I get so obsessed with things. I fall in love with things until they can do nothing but disappoint me some.

I am so happy with the person I have become some days. I feel as though I've reached into the deepest part of myself and just pulled as hard as possible for months on end. Why do some things still make me feel so lonely?

I yearn for a life painted in all the colors that this one is missing. I want Spain. I want Italy. I want France. I've drowned myself in culture. I love to listen to people sing. I love to watch people dance. I love to dance. More than almost anything I've really found in life until recently. I love to watch Penelope Cruz move, smile and laugh. I love to listen to Noam Chomsky's voice. I love to try to fathom the feelings of people completely unlike myself in places and times completely not my own. I love becoming lost in Allen Ginsberg's paintings of words. I love everyone's talents; their memories; their passions. It gives me hope for everyone I've ever known and will know. I spend some of my lunch breaks and afternoon drive homes going to Guitar Center. I love the drums; I love watching people bob their head and watching their hips start to sway. I love Kanye West's genius ego. I love reading again and the stories and the ideas that start fires in my brain that cannot be put out. I am obsessed with my own vanity and my own aspirations for greatness. There is a pallet of color and light and sound and words waiting for me to let them out and they will decide my life. How do I let go of this fear of chasing my thoughts? Everyone dreams when they sleep, some in more and brighter shades; Some in muggy mushroom flashes, some in clairvoyant acid light. I have let my nights become my days. I realized my own ability to communicate with my brain and hum it to sleep. I have seen through the whole plastic lie logic of my mind and basked in the radiant truths I allow myself. It is so strange to feel loved again, this time just for being myself. You know this line is for you. I have taught myself to let go; to not care about the harsh words and remember every fond one. I am breaking my habits, the good and the bad for the infinite possibilities which stretch out in front of me. I have become the laughing frontman, the ruffled conductor, the pinstriped ring leader and it is always who I was, but never who I WAS and more honest than I was ever able to be. I bought my first pair of jeans that really fit me perfectly. I found a smell to wear that matches my personality. I am skinny and that's okay. I let my father's hair grow on my chest and it's somehow freeing. I drove home my first brand new car this year and imagined sitting beside my Grandfather who is bigger in my mind than you can imagine. His flannels still cascade in my hopes and who's gnarled hands built me brick by brick, yet blank as day. This year I learned who he was and felt inspired.

I remember sitting in the hospital, the back of own hand reading "Keep going." Persevere. Survive. March on. Persist. Resist and multiply. All fragments of songs from my childhood.

In my notes, I read the line: "I'm trying to be everyone's everything, your savior and your medicine, your hero and your heroin." Keep going.

One of the most life changing things I've read, from Extremely Loud:

"So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in! But it also means you have to let them go!"

I've learned to let people new people in, and let too many go. I think my ratio is numerically positive but the weight of the negatives evens this out.

I had dinner with Amber last week. I could go back and obsess on last December when she first told me about Trent. I have. I could think about the last time I saw her, in March at Circa. I have. I told her I was afraid I would not remember her face but it looked exactly as it had in my dreams. The wavy blond hair that has haunted my day to day life. The passion in her eyes. She and I talked for 3 or 4 hours and talked about a missed year in each other's life when we had shaped the 2 years prior for each other, the unknowingly and innocently, the way a child gives carefully sculpted gifts of play doe, unaware of their transience. It was the single most important talk of the last few years of my life. I watched her eyes light up with every new thought. I realized during that conversation that I've been burying who she knew. Becoming someone different. Someone better. Who she needed me to be then but that I was too small to be. Too closeted, too foolish. As we walked towards the exit of the mall, I asked her the question that has crossed my mind every day for such a long time.

"Do you think about me?"
"In my quiet mind, in my idle thoughts, when I am alone. There you are."

She leaves for Las Vegas in a few weeks to start her new life with her boyfriend. I am so proud of her. She said boyfriend outloud as if had never been the most poisoness word she could speak, as it was. I may not ever see her again. Our eyes teared as we spoke, and we smiled as we hugged, and I died and was alive and she told me goodbye. I hope you never love anyone so much and have to tell them goodbye. Again and again.

But you will and it will shape every breath you take from that moment forward. It was the greatest gift I've been given this year or ever.

Merry Christmas. This journal is 10 years of me.

(8 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

01:06am 17/12/2010
mood: Qiu
I’m with you in Durham
Where you have heard this never and a hundred thousand million times in your
waking dreams and you understand and will and don’t.
I’m with you in Durham
Where you are brighter than I am and your sketches are brush strokes on Monet’s
canvass and my words seem like nursery rhymes.
I’m with you in Durham
Where every conversation is a hydra with more mouths flaming passion than people
without scripts are ever supposed to speak.
I’m with you in Durham
Where your sunken steps are tildes that separate the narration from the character’s
standard textbook insanity.
I’m with you in Durham
Where you are a black diamond statuette that blurs in and out of focus with my
winded teary eyes.
I’m with you in Durham
Where our words are the only things that keep us from gasping at every corner like
children in the theaters of late night horror picture show double features.
I’m with you in Durham
Where the only thing keeping the ice in check is the warmth of my notes in a little
red book.
I’m with you in Durham
Where the birds wear tuxedos in their flittering brain and conduct chirping
concertos to a sunrise that dances like epiphanies in a public hot tub.
I’m with you in Durham
Where the man I hope I can become goes running by in bicycle shorts and tells me
good morning through snow encrusted lips.
I’m with you in Durham
Where I wonder who’s recollection of this day will be paler and more perfect
because we are the least and most perfect.
I’m with you in Durham
Where a sundial is shining in the snow and longs for a snow dial blanketed in sun.
I’m with you in Durham
Where your eyes are acid and the sky is an orange purple gold gradient lid that
closes sloooooooowly.
I’m with you in Durham
Where the arcs are supernatural stories told about 6’ tall giants armed with
schematics and zeal and grins.
I’m with you in Durham
Where I want to write novels on the virgin snow of every word I do and don’t know.
I’m with you in Durham
Where you sit reading a book hailing a cab on a street corner with invisible train
tracks and there is something sounding around the bend.
I’m with you in Durham
Where my ears sunburn with new incongruences that have only graced those still
spinning and weaving in their sleep.
I’m with you in Durham
Where Alzheimer asks questions to known answers as loudly as Alzheimer asks
questions to known answers you are gone and back now and somewhere till the end
of my thoughts and even still past that.
I’m with you in Durham
Where the last page is a street in Paris and the Eiffel Tower is just beyond the
horizon always.

(Think for Yourself)

03:25am 08/12/2010

I love this picture.

So much has changed in the last few weeks. I mustttt update soon.

Went on one of the best dates ever with my new friend Serena tonight. More on this later as well.

(Think for Yourself)

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.   
01:12am 18/08/2010
mood: exhausted
Oh Livejournal, my old friend, how I've been neglecting you.

The only time I'm really on the internet itself is either on my phone or on my computer at work, neither of which are good places to really type personal entries here.

Once again I will promise a post with pictures and lots of things to talk about once I can get caught up on sleep, which I am desperately in need of right now. Still need to go grocery shopping, get my oil changed, watch tons of movies I've written down to watch, listen to tons of bands of written down to check out. Still need to put more music on my phone, update my iPod, put a new cover on my iPhone. All soon, I hope.

I love having money and I really love buying new clothes. Mmmmmmm

Been going to more social type events. Been meeting new and exciting friends in Raleigh.

Really loved Inception. Seen it twice already. It's probably in my Top 5 now.

I finally got to spend time with Melissa and it was really great.

I hope everyone has been well. Must sleep now. Gonna TRY to update tomorrow.

(Think for Yourself)

Freeze frame vision   
11:25pm 27/07/2010
mood: sleepy
I am never on my laptop it seems so I keep not getting around to posting here.

Skydiving was glorious and I still really want to talk about it and post a picture or two.

Smash has been going great. Maining Falco now, broke the tech skill barrier, going up to Apex (in NJ) on the 5th-8th of next month to try to do some damage and cheer Kevin on.

Watched Paramore's soundcheck at the new Raleigh Amphitheater the other day. It was pretty awesome. I'm such a closet Paramore fan.

Still haven't seen Melissa since she's been home. She's been impossible to reach. It makes me super sad.

Similarly, girl situation is moderately hopeless. Lauren is really neat but moving to Charleston soon, and stuff with Belle is interesting but weird too.

Attended one of Matt's parties here at the house. Wow. Very interesting night. Leaving it at that.

Minus the Bear's "Omni" cd is very good. Check it out if you're a fan and you haven't already.

Still really want to see Inception.

Time to catch up on some sleep.

(2 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Parade Day by Anis Mojgani   
07:18pm 12/07/2010
mood: something
Parade Day

confetti and graffiti give me the same feeling
like something won or someone came home from far far away
there are days when I am surprised the streets are not run rampant with both
that there is not kissing in the streets
that there is not the rock song everlasting of fireworks explosion
that the streets are not overflowing
with slowdriving convertible parades
and beautiful queens
waving at us
there are some hours where I am surprised
that there is no parade scheduled
simply because we all woke up and did it–
we were human!
we were human!
yesterday! we were the same thing
and tomorrow–
filled with blue mountain lust and skyscraper
we are skyscrapers
we are whatever is bigger than skyscrapers
broken balls of gas and matter that have traveled far
from whatever corner spat them out
in the contraction and expansion of space
that is the same pulse of the forest
sections of this universe that moved through space
until it found something soft to move through
bits of paper broken and torn
from larger sheets
curved and curling in the wind
sign your name across my back
it is not the concrete poured into the foundation
that makes the buildings able to stand up everyday
but rather the words burned across their faces and feet
that some stranger loved them or loved themselves enough to do that
sign your name across my back
it aint the cinder in the timber
but the initials carved that break the trunk open
the tree flaunting its body
look at me
look at what I got
somebody loved something hard enough to use a knife
look at what I got


Skydiving + birthday post soon.

(2 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Shake the dust   
12:48am 08/07/2010
mood: owwww
Finally got all my personal cards and passwords and other cute things at work. Cool. Finally also got my health insurance number so I could go to the doctor...

which I really needed to do because I had a cyst on my back that somehow managed to get infected and I had to go to an after hours clinic to get it looked at. It was just painful before and then it was needled and cut and prodded and other fun things and now it hurts really bad whenever I do anything. At least it'll actually start getting better now.

My documentation of my funds is interesting but also depressing. I've got to get this more under control. Groceries + unexpected medical expenses are really gay. Gonna start keeping it all in an organized Excel sheet (thanks work for reteaching me how to use it).

I do love being more responsible and organized though. My iPhone helps immensely.

Still overall loving living in Raleigh. Still enjoying Matt, Jess and Laura as roommates and as people, strange and different though they may be.

Rediscovered Anis Mojgani. Love.

Melissa comes home this weekend. I am so excite.

Birthday is next Monday. Still not sure what I'm going to do.

I'm going skydiving this Saturday. The money funding it is a birthday present from my Mom; my actually doing it and not using that money for other things is my birthday present to myself. I'm scared shitless but also extraordinarily excited. I'm sure I will make a post about it.

(Think for Yourself)

But you let go because your hope is gone and every question fades away.   
12:39am 30/06/2010
mood: sleepy
Looooove Ellie Goulding. Her CD, since my car does not yet have iPod capabilities, has been pretty much the only thing I've been playing.

Also torrented Maps & Atlases new CD and listened to a few songs last night. Complete opposite direction and sound then I thought they were headed. Gonna give it a couple listens, but I'm honestly a little disappointed right now.

Living on Matt's couch currently in Raleigh. Enjoying the hell out of being here, the people I'm seeing, and the freedom I have. Only draw backs are how much I'm spending on food (too much) and how not enough sleep I'm getting.

I started work on Monday and I won't say that I enjoy it but it's a job and it's not too simple or too difficult. It's bank work, so it's kinda monotonous but I think that's just about any office job. Oh well. It's a good feeling to be working and productive again though. I feel accomplished when I leave. I like wearing a dress shirt/tie etc and having to be presentable. I like the people I work with; they have been very welcoming, friendly and helpful. I can get used to this.

Can't wait for that first paycheck. Hope my money lasts til then.

Sleep time now because I'm old now and have to be up by 7 at the latest to shower, get dressed and meet Matt for breakfast.

EDIT: Oh yeah, I talked to Ryan Iyengar today and got to tell him a late Happy Birthday. I love and miss him and have decided I must arrange my next available vacation to be to California. On the same note, I definitely miss Omid, JT and Cece lots.

(1 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Aw naw, hell naw, man, y'all done up and done it.   
12:57pm 25/06/2010
mood: happy
As of Thursday, June 24th, 2010, I finally have a job. It's at State Employees Credit Union in Raleigh in the Operations department aka no face to face with customers.

Last I was told it pays about 24K (standard entry level with a college degree) and then has about 6 to 8K in benefits. It's an 8:30 to 5 M-F, which will definitely take some getting used to.

Definitely gonna be couch surfing for a little while till I can figure out my living situation. Commuting is just not even an option plus I really don't want to live at home anymore.

Oh yeah, I found out about the job at a Smash tourney. My friend's dad was helping him run it and I was talking to him about my job plight and I mentioned applying to banks and he just says, "Banks huh? I'm a Senior Vice President in Operations at an SECU in Raleigh. You should send me your resume." So I did, got the call back while I was in Raleigh, interviewed the next day and got the call back about a week later telling me I start on Monday morning.

To anyone who ever thought that video games/tournaments couldn't help you in the real world (myself included), here's your time to be wrong. I'm stoked.

Anyways, finally a life changing thing to happen. Yessssss

(8 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

I love my best friend.   
04:41am 22/06/2010

My favorite of our high five attempts. Photo credit to Karen.

More on my MB trip later when it is not almost 5 am.

(3 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Things to not lose   
02:36am 20/06/2010

You will never know happiness like this. Stolen from JT's Facebook. <33


Epic hilarious review of the Phantom Menace: http://redlettermedia.com/phantom_menace.html

This is Why I'll Never Be An Adult: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

(1 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Fighting Gravity   
04:40pm 10/06/2010
mood: hot

This video is too cool.


Just cut the grass and it's mad hot outside. Listened to Glassjaw's Worship and Tribute all the way through again while mowing. So amazing.

Hung out with Anna Tuesday and she's awesome. Hopefully seeing more of her soon.

Hung out with Lyndsi yesterday for a really long time. Hadn't seen her in months but we'll probably do that more soon too.

Supposed to get a call back from AT&T today maybe?

Desperately in need of a shower.

(2 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

I must admit now going down within this ship.   
10:54am 30/05/2010
  Loool so much to say. I'm making this post so I have something to edit so that I'll finally update about everything.

Stay tuned.

(7 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

10:51pm 19/04/2010
  Rest in Peace, Blake.

I've been writing this entry in my head and in this box for a while now and nothing I can say really does it justice. I've never lost a friend to suicide before. I've never even really lost someone who was more than an acquaintance.

Blake was a friend. We had lost touch in recent years but I never forgot him. I always hoped our paths would cross again somehow.

I wish I knew what else to say. Going to Charlotte to say goodbye on Wednesday.

(1 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

Boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans then making a wish, and tossed in the sea.   
09:45pm 12/04/2010

I love this song so much.

Haven't really felt like updating lately. Still don't really but I need to try to get back in the habit.

Despite what I mentioned in my last post, Maria and I are still together. Two months as of a few days ago. It's a weird feeling. We spend very much time together. She is very sweet.

Still playing a lot of Smash on the weekends. Still getting better but taking it easy on tournaments for a while due to funds. :\

Still can't land a job. NC blows.

Going to Vegas in June with my brother David. Can't even wait. It's going to be soooo good.

I cannot wait for Summer. I got some glorious sun on Easter and I've been craving the beach ever since.

Coheed/Circa concert is super soon. YESSS

Recently I've gone to see Alice in Wonderland 3D (<333 Anne Hathaway) and How to Train Your Dragon 3D (<333 Night Fury). I actually really enjoyed both a lot. I think I really like this new 3D trend. I don't think either movie would be as enjoyable normally. Still want to see Clash of the Titans even though I've heard it's not great.

New things I've been listening to:
Iron & Wine - The Shepherd's Dog
Lights - The Listening
Portugal the Man - Churchmouth

Really random but I'm enjoying them a lot.

For everyone I haven't talked to and seen in a long time: I really miss you. I miss my dance game friends. I don't miss dance games but I miss the fact that it made it possible for me to see you all. Please don't think I've forgotten any of you. I remember each and every person on my friends list. Feel free to drop me a line.

Separate paragraph to specifically say I really love and miss Michael O'Neill, Karen Miles and Justin Denning.

I guess that's all. Going to re-watch Princess Mononoke tonight and then Jennifer's Body.

(10 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)

02:33pm 11/03/2010
mood: excited
2 days ago, my Razr died. Well kind of, I went to answer a text and then suddenly none of the keys would work.

Yesterday, I went phone shopping with my Mom and ended up getting an iPhone. The free upgrade made it decently affordable and I'm in love with it so far. It's my first new toy in forever and ever and I can't let it out of my sight for right now.

Today, I am going to see Circa Survive for the first time in years. I cannot wait. It's going to be so good.

The weekend after is kinda up in the air, but it will involve a lot of Maria and maybe some Smash. Hopefully it will be good though.

Sorry for the lack of updates, I don't think anybody really checks LJ anymore anyway. Oh well, I'm still going to try to keep it. I've had it too long to stop.

(6 Questioned Authority | Think for Yourself)